| Writer's Block: Seeing stars |
[27 Oct 2009|09:25pm] |
Eric Draven from The Crow cause who else could love you so much that they could come back from the grave to avenge your deaths!
ultimate romatic guy
|
|
| come to a decision |
[27 Oct 2009|09:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 gloomy |
] |
I have been rather upset this past week and I didnt really understand why or what was the reasoning behind me trying to pick so many disagreements with Anfey, its not just cause my anxiety but more to do with the fact that I am not used to having someone so nice and understanding to me.
I am so used to the assholes I have had in the past that I feel like I am pushing Anfey away by picking fights with him so he can get upset or mad at me and yell at me which is what every other man has done to me, and the fact he is not doing that is freaking the hell out of me!
I picked a fight with him while he was out at his mates party and it was really unfair on him and he was still understanding and calm and talked to me to work it out rather than yell and belittle me like everyone else has, I keep expecting him to blow up and leave me but he doesnt.
This is a good thing I know cause it shows how much he truly cares for me that he can handle and helps me thru my attacks of anxiety instead of doing what I expect.
I love him for this and I keep trying to stop but the past is a strong thing to walk away from when I have been condiitoned in the past that I am useless, unloved, unworthy and stupid for thinking things for myself and having ideas or emotions.
I have gone to see my doctor and am getting referred to a counciler to maybe talk to them about why I feel that the shit put on me in the past is more relavant to me than the good things Anfey is doing to me in the present.
I am scared to go to a counciler but I want to do this becaue I love Anfey and I dont want to keep believing the shit that my exs did to me and told me, I want to believe I am a good person and worthy of Anfey's love but I think I need help snapping out of this.
Plus I dont want to keep putting it on Anfey cause its not his problems they are mine!
|
|
| Maybe its me but.......... |
[18 Oct 2009|07:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
HIM "Funeral of Hearts" |
] |
One of my best mates Len has been moving this weekend and Anfey being the awesome guy he is has been helping her despite the fact she can drive him crazy he is still helping her out even organised a trailer to help her move her shit, she had to move from Carramar out to Blacktown way somewhere and had to only move certain stuff out there then the rest had to go to her folks place in Newcastle to be stored so Anfey has been helping her do all this, but what gets me is that she has known she is moving for almost a month now but nothing was packed until the day before and then all that was packed was some books and dvds! Ok maybe I am being anal but if your moving you have shit packed before hand and not leave it till the day and then get help off the person who is helping move you! So most Saturday arvo he helped her get the stuff she needed packed and out to the new place and now today Sunday he is helping her move the other shit to Newie and at 5:50pm they were just leaving Newie which means god knows when he will get home after driving back to Sydney then dropping her off and then the trailer and finally getting home so there goes the dinner plans I had hoped for with him for (this is the silly sounding part) our 3 months together! (sound so stupid and sickly girly I know its only 3months shouldnt be planning things for it but still LOL)
I am so mad at her cause she didnt organise herself well and has taken advantage that Anfey is too helpful and will help her pack and shit or is it just me who is a bit over board cause I cant understand anyone who leaves anything to the last minute packing!
|
|
| handle on it or not? |
[15 Oct 2009|10:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Boys of Summer |
] |
I have never been used to a relationship where my opinion matters or counts or is even allowed and it is scary that I am in that mental state which is probably why I hide things from Anfey as to what I think and feel sometimes, especially when it comes to his ex and how he has to be on some mutual common friendship with her due to his group of friends.
It kills me at times that she is still there and I on occasions cant handle it and let my feelings slip thru despite fighting them and trying so hard not to tell him.
Last night I went off and cried my eyes out and told him things that I had planned on never telling him about how it feels to me and I was so upset so scared that I would be in trouble for it, but he wasnt mad at me he wasnt upset he was sad and sympathetic and helped me try to sort thru these things, which then made me more upset cause he is being so nice to me and I am not used to it and I have always been led to believe I am not worthy of having someone who would do that for me.
Its hard at times to think or get myself to believe that what all those other guys put me thru was not the right thing, that the way Anfey is treating me is the way I am supposed to be treated, and I hope that one day I will believe I am worthy of a man who is not only sexy and goodlooking but caring and helpfui and wants me and cares for me as Anfey does.
|
|
| mmmm cookies |
[12 Oct 2009|08:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indifferent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Big Bang Theory playing in the background |
] |
sitting at Anfeys place eating macadamia cookies while he is out at poker.
This is first time he has gone back to poker on Monday nights since we started seeing each other. This is good but bad, good cause he shouldnt have to give up things he does for me and bad cause I have gotten so used to having him around and now not sure what to do without him!
I suppose I should get used to it as it will be either January or March that he goes into the police academy intakes, so it will be 6months without him so should start now.
I think the reason I am feeling a bit odd that he is back at poker is that I know his ex goes there too and I am still a little weirded out that they are friends, well not so much he is trying to be mutual grouped friends but I just dont know why she wants to be friends with him when she was so hurt by him apparentley! Its not normal I dont think anyways but what do I know about normal LOL
|
|
| Writer's Block: The one that got away |
[09 Oct 2009|09:55pm] |
I always believed the concept of a soul mate was just in a friendship way that you find someone who completes you and is just the same as you in every way and that it was only limited to having my soulmate as a friend but now I have found a soulmate who is all that plus I am in love with and he loves me back in more than friends.............can you have more than one soulmate and does soulmates come in different types!
|
|
| Concern |
[09 Oct 2009|09:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cynical |
] |
I have always been so used to being single and I never had a problem with being alone or spending a night by myself but now that I am a couple I have become used to having Anfey around I am at such a loss as to what to do tonight now I have had a shift swap and I am not at work and he is, I started at 830am and finished at 5pm and he started 5pm and finishes Midnight! Normally this is not a problem as we spend most the day together then see each other at work for a few hours then after I finish its only a few hours till I see him again but tonight I am sitting home alone thinking what the hell is become of me that I need or want him around so much! I know its just cause I love him and miss him when he is not here which then enlies the problem I am going to have to get used to either in January or March when he goes away to the academy for 6months...........fucker he is! Made me fall inlove with him and get used to having him around and now has to go away LOL Now I am starting to think I wont be able to handle the time without him!
|
|
| Sick |
[05 Oct 2009|09:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
I have been so sick this week it started out as just a bad case of hayfever and has slowly progressed into a flu and is slowly slowly getting better.
I also went last Tuesday and got the contraceptive implant put in my arm so I will not be able to fall pregnant for 3 years, fingers crossed if it works properly LOL
Public holiday today and both Anfey and I are off together and I feel like hitting the markets! Its been about 6 years if not more since I been to a market and I want to go today! Now just gotta wake Anfey up and talk him into it LOL well with him more likely say I want to do this and he lets me LOL
|
|
|
[22 Sep 2009|07:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
history channel "The Knights Templar" |
] |
I am feeling so much better now I have an outlet again that I dont always have to face up to I can come to whenever I feel like I need to!
I am so glad I am back LOL
|
|
| Major Major Catch Up! |
[21 Sep 2009|01:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
excited |
] |
For awhile I had been lost to everything, I hadn't wanted to write cause I guess it meant facing some of the shit I have been thru and I don't always like facing stuff.
But now that things are going a bit better and well better but not 100% seeing there is always something I fuck up I and need to sort out in my head I thought I may need this journal again after all it might just help me settle things in myself again.
( Basic catch up )
|
|
| So exhausted |
[11 Feb 2009|10:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exhausted |
] |
I am training again at work in a new job role and I am liking it, loving the training actually but just hating the fact I havent had a day off in 8 days and I still have 2 more days lol.
The job role I am doing or will be doing if I pass my training is a bit of a inhouse employment meaning you cant apply for it if you dont already work for the company.
Its what is called a coin room attendant and it basically is handling all the clubs cash which is cool cause means I have my hands on a hell of a lot of money but its weird I dont see it as money I just look at it all there in the safe and see it as units and pieces and count it as such.
Probably a lucky thing I do see it that way otherwise I would freak out at the large amount of it and panic and not be able to do my job LOL
|
|
| Major Slack Arse! |
[02 Feb 2009|11:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lethargic |
] |
I have been such a slack arse lately I havent even been signing into my journal let alone writing anything in it. Silly woman I am I used to love writing my journal so much but just been to lazy or busy or both to do it lately.
( Read more... )
</div>
|
|
| Exhaustion |
[16 Dec 2008|09:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted |
] |
OMG I so dont know how Rahni does it.
She is mother to 2 kids and has a job and has a house to run and has a partner who need supervision at times LOL and she still manages to look happy and full of life! bitch LOL
I spend 2 days with them and I am a train wreck LOL
Love you Rahni your the most amazing woman my dear!
|
|
| hhhhmmmm |
[11 Dec 2008|11:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
I ran into a guy I used to hang with the other week, I not sure if I mentioned it or not but he called into the club where I work tonight and we chatted a little and he asked me to go have a drink with him after I finished, I agreed but was a little nervous..............why? Well this guy is someone I used to fool around with on occasions in a sexual way and he was and still is very very very bloody cute looking and fun to hang with.
I knew he would get a little flirty and I knew I probably would let him a little so am I mean for going, I know he also has broken up with his ex last month and is dealing with loosing every day access to his 3yrold son and I felt sorry for him so I went with him to the pub and we just sat and chatted he talked alot about his son and how hard he is finding it not seeing him every day like he used to but he is still happy he gets to see him 4 days a week so its better than nothing and he is just going on about how much he changed to be with his son and how bad it was with the mother and how he is glad thou that they can atleast still be friends for the kids sake and blah blah blah I was listening lol I just dont feel like typing it all LOL.
He flirted a bit but I stopped him and didnt flirt back, I referred the conversation to Patrick (my boyfriend) a fair bit and he knows I have a boyfriend and every time my phone beeped with a text message he kept asking is that your boyfriend checking up on ya? It wasnt I hadnt spoke to Patrick today and I told him no its not him.
He walked me home (which is only a small detour from his place, which was nice cause we dont live in the best area LOL) and I gave him my number told him to text me when he got home to let me know he was alright and gave him a hug, he tried to kiss me a bit but I stopped him and said no cant do that, he said fine just wanted to try LOL.
So now I am thinking do I have something in this night that I should tell Patrick about???
I didnt do anything with this guy just chatted (granted a little about the times we had together LOL but in no way did I suggest I would want to re-enact those days) and he mainly spoke and sounded sad about his son.
Should I say something to patrick? Obviously not tell him that this guy tried to kiss me but should I even mentioned I ran into him or that we had a drink together??
Whats the normal protocol for his sort of stuff, I like this guy he is a cool guy but I dont want anything to happen with him cause I like Patrick but I do wanna be a mate with this guy providing he dont try anything.
|
|
| Because Im a slack ass..........catch up is here! |
[08 Dec 2008|07:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hungry |
] |
I have been real slack about updating my journal and believe me I know I have cause my best mate Rahni keeps reminding me to update it for her to read it LOL so here we go Rahni here is your update LOL
I have been busy working and getting ready for christmas, I have just got 2 more things to definatley get and perhaps a few small hampers depending on whether or not I go out to my Aunts place on Christmas day.
I have my staff christmas party tomorrow night and it is the first party Patrick and I are attending together. It is exciting yet nervous about it. I am gonna have so much fun being able to catch up with some work mates outside of actually working and have a few drinks with them. I have purchased a dress off ebay.........Rahni has seen it she has approved it too LOL and I am excited to be wearing it I know me wearing a dress but it is just so pretty.
I have a house/unit inspection in the morning and I have had to take my girl miss Isis to the vets over night, she was not impressed and wouldnt go in the carry case really easy LOL.
My other best friend Lori and her husband Andy who is another best mate of mine are moving back to Sydney! I am so excited...........its not the best reasons as to why they are moving back but that is just something we need to deal with and the main thing is I will have all my 3 nephews in the one state again and I will have Lori and Andy close by again to see more often than just a random trip when Im too stressed with the city LOL.
I am contemplating a new tattoo...................still LOL I wanna get a set of angel wings on my back that incorporate the Heartagram I already have there...........still not sure what sort of wings exactly but I will not rush into it.
I just booked tickets for me and my gay hubby Steve to go to see Priscilla the muscial this wednesday! So excited I cant wait to see it and I am glad Im seeing it with Steve.
I made friends with the kids in my unit block this afternoon, I was going for a walk to the shops when they stopped me and asked me to check my balcony for one of their balls they threw into the air, apparently it was a Hulk ball that was brought from BigW so James the little FOB told me LOL and when I got back from the shop they asked me to check again and I said I would go up look and throw it down to them, ok ok maybe I wanted to peg it at one of their heads just for fun but I didnt tell them that nor did I find the ball, they didnt believe me so I said come on up and check for yourself so they did! all of them! LOL 5 kids trape into my unit and check the balcony for the missing Hulk ball from BigW but as I said it wasnt there so then they were leaving and proceeded to notice my christmas tree then ask me why I had a black tree and who were all the presents were for and what they were and how many kids do I have and why dont I have a husband LOL man I swear to god (if I belived in him LOL) even the kids are on my back about marriage now LOL
Oh well Rahni consider this a bit of an update..............for now! LOL Love you Rahni
|
|
| Had a bad day again. |
[21 Nov 2008|09:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nervous |
] |
I was in Nowra on my weekend visiting Patrick.............yes back to calling him Patrick for the moment LOL.
We had a few too many drinks and while I was we were hanging out I found something on his comp that I didnt like, it was just something silly and nothing that I myself have not done so I was a little upset and not cause he did it but because it made me think of the shit I went thru with the last guy and how much my judgement was off on him and how could I trust that this time my judgement was correct.
I should say here Patrick has done nothing to really make me distrust him he has been awesome but since I trusted the last one and I was wrong how do I know trusting Patrick is right...............has my judgement come back to the correct conclusion..............I think it has if I look at the big picture and see what Patrick has done that is good and this small slip up which I have too been guilty of so its not that bad but when we were both drunk and it threw up all these old memories of the last dickhead I freaked!
I began crying and thinking what the hell is going on so rather than sit there upset I confronted him with it and we discussed it................there was no yelling or swearing or nastiness (does nastiness have an I in it?) so I dont know whether or not I would call it a fight more of a disagreement and discussion, I told him stuff about the ex I hadnt told him before, not cause I was hiding it but because honestly who needs to hear shit about your new partners ex's! And Patrick hadnt heard this stuff before so his mistake was made abundantly clear how hurtful it could specifically be to me, he apologised which I accepted but told him I would get over seeing I too have done the same and its all good but then this will always be in the back of my head that I maybe wrong in trusting him.
Again I dont think he has done anything wrong so if I think he hasnt why do I still think my judgement could be off, its not fair that I am still screwed up by the last c**t I hate it. My first instinct was to break up with Patrick and that way he wont hurt me if he does something that triggers a memory or I wont eventually get hurt which is what for some fucked up reason I believe should always happen to me. But I dont wanna run I like Patrick he is good and has made a mistake and was sorry and we both agreed to put it behind us and go forward it was discussed and over and done with and made up.
I am trying to get my head around it still a little but not for anything Patrick has done more for the fact do I trust myself to let him into my life, he is still asking to meet my parents and I am still a little reluctant but perhaps its what I need to do for myself to show I can open up again.
Hmmm Im so fucked LOL
|
|
| slack ass am I |
[13 Nov 2008|09:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
excited |
] |
I have been busy and so so tired lately.
I went out to see my gorgeous Niece Mali and my too bloody cute nephew Iszak and I love them so dearly but man i dont know how Rahni does it! She is truly amazing. Iszak is almost 2 and Mali is 2months old and Rahni is so well managed with them. She isa fantastic mum and is so involved with both of them I dont know how she manages it with such ease.
I admire her for it I can hardly handle a cat half the time let alone 2 kids LOL
I am off to visit Patrick on my weekend off see some more of his place and of him LOL
I am liking him heaps and we are still seeing how things go but its looking good.
They posted a flyer in the staffrooms at work regarding our staff christmas party! I am seriously so excited about it, I have always worked at the smaller club where we didnt really have enough staff to have a christmas party lol so apparently Canterburys christmas parties are awesome and very well done so I have prewarned Patrick and I believe he is going to attend with me..........yay (this is gonna sound so girly but) it will be the first function we attend together so its very exciting LOL
|
|
| Random girly thoughts |
[02 Nov 2008|09:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 optimistic |
] |
Patrick is going to Melb for a week to some family gathering thing for Melb cup day and I hope he has a good time. I told him I wouldnt contact him for the time he was away so he could just concentrate on the family thing and have fun.
The thing is I want him to call or text me but I just dont wanna call or text him first! I know sounds stupid but I want him to want to contact me and not just contact me cause he is returning my contact!
Does that make sense...........LOL I figure if I say I will just see you when you get back and then not contact him and at some random time while he is away he contacts me it means he is thinking of me, and may even miss me, so I hope he does contact me...........but then again if he listens to me and just contacts me when he gets back then not only would it have backfired but also in a good way means he has listened to me LOL
I dont know this girly fucked up logic is stewpid LOL
|
|
| excitment |
[21 Oct 2008|09:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
rejuvenated |
] |
I am off to the Patricks place for the weekend, my weekend not the normal weekend.
Im excited to see his place and what his life is like down there and perhaps meet some of his friends and family down that way.
|
|
| Bad stupid girly thoughts! |
[14 Oct 2008|07:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
gloomy |
] |
I know I am being irrational but sometimes I just cant help it!
I know the fireman likes me I know he has family issues at the moment which are more important and need sorting out first and I know he is also working overtime but fuck I hate the fact I cant see him whenever I want to!
I know he is in Sydney today he had to go get his mum from hospital and help her out at home, I know all this but I wish I had a chance to see him today, but I am trying to be understanding and keep out of his hair so he can sort out his stuff without extra worries from me in there and the logical rational side of me understands this and is fine with it, we never made plans for today it was just a if he can get things done he will call me thing we both agreed on that but I just wish he would call or make time for me I miss him and wanna see him and the fact he has to do this other stuff first is annoying but has to be done, I just want to see him!
I feel sad that I cant see him right now and that he cant come over tonight which makes me start to think he dont like me, which is silly cause he has said enough and done enough to tell me that he does like me and wanna see me but its just the stupid worries of a silly hormonal girl thinking right now.
I just want him and I will get there eventually.
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
zildjian77's journal