April 13th, 2010
down day today, I know I said I will forgive Anfey and I will I just having a bad day.
I got hardly any sleep last night cause I kept going over in my head what has happened, did I do something wrong to make him want someone else? Did I push too hard to make him want this when he said he would be faithful to me?
I feel sick at the thought of what he was saying to that girl.....the thoughts that were going thru his head at the time when he was doing it. He says he didnt follow thru with the talk and I believe him but I keep thinking what if he had? How would I handle this rejection? How would I go on with things when I know I wouldnt be able to have him.
I have seen woman forgive me of cheating and I always said I would never do that, but now I am scared that I cant live with out him and would forgive too much.
I am concerned now as to wether or not I need to keep worrying about him going out to poker is he gonna do it again? is he thinking about doing it again?
He says he wont but how can I be sure how can he be sure??
If it was just for a fuck for some one night stand thing where he was horny I would be able to handle this chatting up someone better but I dont know if it was jsut for that.
If he is lonely and needs intamacy he isnt going to get it off a one night stand, should I have him come to me instead?
Would I be fine with that? Could I have him come to me for comfort for intamacy for sex and know that we are not back together? Would I be able to handle that? I know I would prefer that to him going to find it else where. but he said he wouldnt do it again so do I trust that or put myself in a position I not sure if I would be comfortable with to save our future?
April 12th, 2010
things have taken a turn for the good I beleive.
sounds silly cause it took me catching him out on a lie to make things better.
I found out he got drunk and chatted up a chick but didnt go thru with anything. I felt so stupid and so sick but I went to confront him and we had huge fight he sat crying and feeling guilty,he is killing himself that he did it, he had forgotten he did cause he was extremely drunk but this is not an excuse, I have seen him in person and told him off and we talked and talked for hours..........I have chosen to forgive him of this not cause he did it but cause he didnt go thru with it, I am willing to give him another chance but he has to fight a hell of a lot to keep me in his life now.
If he does it again or even contempates doing it again I am gone.......for good, if he loves me as much as he says he does and showed me today he did then he will be good for me.
He has to learn if he ia lonely he needs to come to me to talk to me, he cant just go get drunk and not know what to do, he has to be an adult about this and stay faithful to me.
I know to some people I seem stupid for saying I have forgiven him and I will still wait but things are not always black and white as I always thought they were........things have to work out, I love him and he loves me........if he does anything wrong I am gone.
Current Mood: determined
April 11th, 2010
I have had up and down days again.
I took this weekend off for Anfeys birthday but cause of the break we had to cancel any plans we had together but he had madea promise we could still catch up for lunch for an hour, I had only asked for an hour cause I wasnt sure how I would handle our first time spent together since the break.
we had planned for meeting when he finished work around 1pm and around 12 he messaged me and said he had to cancel he had to work back and wouldnt be able to get to me before I started work. I texted backa n said hello I took the weekend off remember for your birthday so I am not working. then I went into a major panic thinking he is doing this to me just like the others have all done.they all lied to me all cheated on me all cancelled shit on me and now he is doing the same as all my ex's have done.
I was rather upset for an hour or so and my girlfriend Loza rang and calmed me down said to come out to her place for the night...its hard for me to ask for help I dont know why but it just is another issue i will deal with eventually LOL
anyways i told her I would have a nap calm down and head out when they got home from the footy in the meantime he messaged me back and said well he finishes at 3ish and would still love to see me if he could. I was so upset I wasnt sure if I wanted him to see me or not but after thinking about it I said sure come over when your finished.
so he did and when he got here he had a basket full of my clothes I had left at his house I burst into tears as I thoguth he was endiing it with me completely. he said no no sam I brought this stuff thinking you may need it all they are after all your clothes. he was right I did need themthey were things I was missing lol but it just took me by surprise.
He felt so bad it upset me that he siad he would take them back if I wanted him to LOL
we sat down and had a chat and he said that he dont show his emotiions as much as I do but he does love me still and does miss me. so I gave him his birthday present with his card I told him to read alone later cause it was a card I brought a few months back before we took a break so it was a lovey dovey card that made me cry and wasnt sure how he would react to me giving it to him, but he insisted on opening it and he read it and burst into tears, he was sad and happy and hugged me alot and cried a heap too.
he loved his present! HE kept hugging me even though it was hurting to have touch him but not have him.
so we sat talking for a little bit about how he is going with uni and how his mum is (I miss hanging out with is mum she is an awesome lady) and while I was talking to him abnout the trip to the easter show and I caught him sitting looking at me with this weird smile on his face I didnt know what he was doing and I asked him whats with that look and he blushed said nothing, anyways we talked pretty good and we are catching up tuesday he is taking me to my MRI and we will chat some more then.
I gotta treat this break as if he is down at the academy and see how I go.
I sat thinking about the way he was looking at me and i rememebered that he used to look at me like that when he first started seeing me, he got that weird look on his face like he was day dreaming.
I think now I am ok with things......I am going to have my good days and my bad days but I know now he does love me alot, he is doing this so he can set us up for life, and make it easier for us. I do love him and he loves me and we can do this.
i know its silly to predict things cause we really dont know what the future holds despite both of us loving each other and both of us wanting to get back together but I will say it anyways I will marry this man one day!
Current Mood: content
April 7th, 2010
|07:31 pm - had a bad day again|
i got to work today and got told off a woman I work with who is a mate that one of the cellar staff who Anfey works with and is supposed to be Anfeys friend was asking what she knew re Anfey and I and that he said he read on facebook that we are over completely and never getting back together.......fucking facebook shits me because people are so snoopy and read things into things.
I got so cranky at this guy and rang Anfey when I am supposed to be giving him sometime to deal with shit and asked if he had said anything to him he hadnt and I was so pissed off that people at work are gossiping about me and anfey......I know I cant stop this but if this guy i ssupposed to be one of his friends you think he would either have the decency to come and ask either of us or to atelast not gossip about it.
so I told Anfey I was going to say soemthing.....I emailed him and told him I didnt appreciate the gossip and lack of friendship to us......that if he wanted to know somthing about us then he could have just asked we wouldnt have been mad but now we are due to his gonig behind our backs.
I dont tknow how this guy will react and I dont really care he is a shit head but I just wish I coudl go to work to escape not to have to rehash it all the time....my friends at work realise this and that is why I am comfortable to talk to them but It just puts negative thought in my head these other shitheads......see I am so pissed off I cant even type properlty LOL
Long story less long that I talked to Anfey and I am going to try harder to not listen to these shits AND to not contact Anfey give him a couple of weeks and see how we go.
Current Mood: complacent
April 4th, 2010
|09:52 pm - why do I|
I seem to go along for a few days alright then something little will happen and I panic and then start to doubt myself and the reasoning behind our relationship pause.
I know we are on a break and he doesnt have to catch up with me every moment of the day but it hurts when I know he has to have time to study but then will spend the day with his friends.
I feel sad that I am the one who has to be sacraficed from his time but his friends can still get time with him.
It hurts that I cant have time with him but they can, why I dont know why but it just hurts and I want to say something but how do I know its not just me being jealous that I had to work and cant have fun or is it that he still has a little time for them but not me.
I am just hating things today.......my super who is a mate is angry at him for the way he is being with the break..........she says I shouls be wary of it all and just break it off altogether but I love him and I believe him when he says this is for our future and will be back and I honestly do believe it I just hate that sometimes I doubt it.
Current Mood: crushed
April 2nd, 2010
|09:02 pm - feeling better|
ok so Anfey has come home from his week at the academy and we have had a good chat.
we both need time to deal with things and for him to sort out uni still.
we are not sure how long it will be but we both want to get back together asap.
we have decided to wait for each other.......Im waiting for him he is waiting for me and in this time we will be friends and faithfull to each other.
Current Mood: happy
March 30th, 2010
|12:43 pm - last night|
last night was not a good night.
i had a good day where I went shopping got my nails done had breaky with my mother then movies with my brother and his fiancee then came home pottered around the house tidyied up did some work and then when I went to bed to go to sleep I was a mess.
i cried and cried so much and all I wanted to so was ring Anfey but I didnt I was so tempted but instead I picked up the phone and rang Chook My mother ans cried to her.
she said it was just a low moment that I need to accept it cry a bit then get back on the plan and stick to it.be strong I can do this just accept that there are going to be moments that I cant handle and will want to cry.
I wish I could talk to him so much just to see him or hold him or have him hug me and comfort me but I know if I push for it now I will push him away I said I would give him this time and I am determined to do so.
Just got to keept being strong............
my supervisor told me I should keep this as a mantra to remind myself of what i need to do
I honour myself i am a good person and at present I am reconnecting and giving me the attention I so well deserve. I complete me and I don't need anyone else to complete me as I am me I owe this to myself. Therefore today my journey begins to reconnect with the goddess that is me. Chin up Sam come on you can do this nothing comes easy everything is as it is so make the most of it. I believe in u now u believe in you xxxx
Current Mood: nervous
March 28th, 2010
I had a good chat this evening with one of my supers at work she helped me sort thru somethings in my head......and she is right all my friends are right i need to believe in myself
I need to believe that I m worthy of having him come back to me I am worthy of having his love and i am a good person for when I believe in myself he will believe in me too
I love him so much and but I need to love myself first and foremost
Current Mood: contemplative
March 26th, 2010
|06:19 pm - my starsign|
found this starsign in the paper the other day I read it and made me feel a bit better re the breakup/break thingy I am going thru.
Youc an argue with the past as much as you like.It won't respond.It's can't change. It can"t even argue back. Happily,though you don't have to resovle your differences with it. You can remain uncomfortable about anything that has taken place before now.This won't do you and harm as long as you don't carry the dispute forward. The future doesn't need to be argued with. It needs to be cajouled,coaxed and persuaded. You can talk it into agreeing with you and through that process you can turn it into something you like.
I liked this star sign cause it made me realise that if I let my past bother and worry me it will affect my future with Anfey. And I refuse to let that happen.
ON OTHER NEWS
I got a phone call from an old member of the old club I worked for, for years, she rang to tell me one of the guys who I used to hang out with in a group from the club has passed away. He apparently threw himself under a truck on the highway yesterday....not many people realised he was depressed but he used to have major depression...I feel so sad for him and his family that he has left behind.
Current Mood: indifferent
March 24th, 2010
|08:17 pm - starting to get better|
today wasnt such a bad day....not too many times I had to sit and think about the stuff that is going on.
I told Carole one of my work mates and I teared up a little but not too much. i think I am going ot have good days and bad days and maybe good and bad moments of those good and bad days.
But all I know is I miss him so much, wish I could hear his voice again in a happy way.
Current Mood: lonely